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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Basinji's LiveJournal:
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| Tuesday, January 28th, 2003 | | 9:41 am |
| | Wednesday, August 28th, 2002 | | 7:34 pm |
| | Sunday, July 7th, 2002 | | 4:21 am |
....
Been
awhile since I posted in this thing as usual. Got some new hardware for my
comp from my scavanging ways. My Nakamichi MBR-7 has been much fun. It's
a 7cd external SCSI cd-rom drive. Much MP3 fun to be had by.....ME! Got
a new comp case too. I'll be rebuilding Odin here in the next few days using
one of my 4 gigs because it's getting replaced by a 10gig. Might as well
call my comp my g/f at this rate. I've put enough time into the damn thing.
Went out to The Pits for the 4th. Been there, saw the drunks, saw people
that I know from school I would never talk to, don't need to go back. I
was perfectly happy walking around the trails instead of standing around
with everyone else. Further proving that I'm not the party type. Makes
me feel good seeing all the "popular" people getting drunk, stoned, and trashed
and making a complete ass out of themselves. Things like that make me more
bitter and cynical though so I guess I can't win either way. They can go
waste their fucking lives in a 5th of capt. mo and a couple grams of snow.
I can destory myself all on my own thank you very fucking much. ::sigh::
"The future," I should just spread my brains over my back wall and be done
with it now. Better yet, spread my brains all over the fountain. Really
fuck with people. Been feeling so sucked dry lately. Same shit over and
over day in and day out. ::just finished a 2 hour game of Starcraft:: That
made me feel better, but now it's off to bed. | | Thursday, June 6th, 2002 | | 1:59 am |
Tired is he who abandons the pillars of their life.
Another rather repetitve day in the life of Matthew James Robinson. Spent all day working as par usual. Went on a good 6 mile walk in the middle of the night last night/this morning. Needed to clear my head and unwind a little so I could sleep. Felt good to be out there on a dark stretch of country road just me and my music. I enjoy that way too much to be healthy. Maybe my fucked up thoughts will get me to lose weight with all the walking. lol. I'd talk about some of the shit floating around upstairs but there really isn't much to talk about. Basically just blurs of memories perverted into emotions. Maybe I'll have something to talk about tomorrow. Current Music: www.digitallyimported.com | | Friday, May 31st, 2002 | | 12:57 am |
They're no longer super shitty shitty, they're just stinky farty smelly.
Being sick sucks major ass. Finially got around to putting all 2gigs of mp3s on cd-r's. Now I actually have room to fill up with more useless shit. I love cable modems. But instead of dling more shit I'm trying to move all the movies, mp3s. and porn that I have on cd-rw to my hard drive. Haven't been up to a whole lot. Drooling over the stuff my friend Matt wants to build his new compwith. I so want to get an Ultra160 SCSI card and hard drive. Damn money standing in my way. That seems to be the problem lately. Like getting together $110 together and sent off to the justice complex by....oh.....TODAY! What fun. I'll figure something out. Or burn in hell. Oh well. Can't really think of anything else to blab about. | | Monday, May 27th, 2002 | | 2:46 am |
User Lain has new e-mail.
I don't know why I'm still awake, but I am. Probably because I can be. Just got done playing an 8 hour marathon of Hunter: The Reckoning over at Ben's house. So much carnage, so much goodness. So that was fun as hell. We'd still be playing if we didn't get stuck in a patch of "al'a old school NES like difficulity." Spent 2 hours stuck in this one part. Made me feel like I was playing JAWS all over again. At that point we finially gave up and called it a night. Kicked up some good Lain wallpaper. Needed a little change and images.google.com is my friend. Brian just got out of jail today. So what do his friends do, throw a big ass drinking party. ::sigh:: Oh well, not my life. | | Friday, May 24th, 2002 | | 3:25 am |
We're the all seeing all dancing crap of the world.
Today sort of blew ass. Got chewed out by my PO so that sent the whole day right down the shitter from the start. But I'm feeling ok now. Found a new web casting station to listen to that plays rock music (alternative and hard channels). Good shit. Found Rachelle's cd that I made for her a few weeks ago so that should make her happy (since all her other cds are MIA). Also dug up some bitchin artwork from eye.box.sk http://www.kontent-online.com check it out. Life drags on. I miss my bike. I could really go for a nice long ride out to Lyon Lake or something. Oh well, I'll get the hookup on something. My uncle's bike is still out in my garage. I just need to get the tires filled up (which requires a special hookup for a pump). Mozilla is getting closer and closer to 1.0.0 It's currently at 1.0.0 RC2 (release candidate 2). Being able to turn off popups from in the browser itself is so bad ass. Rant and rave, spit and drool. Tired of being so far down the hole of destitution. Off to fight the good fight....whatever that is. Looks like sleep is the good fight right now. The truth is whatever you make it. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: http://www.radiostorm.com | | Thursday, May 23rd, 2002 | | 3:11 am |
Pieces of me.
*Something I wrote in my personal journal that I felt like posting. Something a little different than the usual anger venting I usually post.* 5-21-02 I guess I felt like writing and I don't know it yet. Considering I took the time to find this thing. It's been too long now that I think about it. Haven't solved any major earthbreaking problems in my life. I guess that's why I write in this. A way to talk to someone when in all actuality I'm just talking to myself. Kind of personaifies how alone I feel. I really can't talk to any of my friends like this either. Weather they mean to or not, whenever I start talking about issues in my life they start bringing up their's, and their problems always seem worse than mine. I can say to myself "gee, I guess my problems aren't so bad." All that's changed is I feel sorry for them, I still feel the same. I guess that's my reason for trying not to bring up my problems with people I know, I feel like an annoyance. Being friends with girls is so damn hard. I can never be myself around them because I always feel so fucked up inside when I'm around them. I guess that's just one of those things I'll have to get used to because it'll never change. Or maybe it will, who knows. Whenever I'm sure of something I always get burned. Unless it has to deal with computers, if I'm sure of it I'm probably wrong. Sometimes the situation makes itself wrong. At least then I'm not an ass, just wrong. What really scares me though is people look up to me and even count on me. I can't figure out if that's something I've done right or something I've done wrong. The only person you can count on is yourself is an oxymoron where I come from. Just to throw some pebbles on top of the gravel here. My writing style sucks ass. And here I used to think I wrote rather well. Oh well, proofreading will be the death of me. My writing style makes sense though. Just random strings of thoughts all piled together in one big blob. Just like how my mind works. Acting goofy comes natural because I don't have to think about it. Scarry. Had an interesting conversation with Ben Saturday when we went to Holland. Reaffirming that my friends have deeper issues than I do, but are much better at hiding them. People wonder why I hold out no hope for the world. It's because I've had a chance to see down the dark hidden paths of the people I know, and for one reason or another I carry that darkness with me. lol, I guess I'm lucky. I'm just alone. I don't have a substance abuse problem, I wasn't sexually abused when I was little, I didn't have sadistic parents, I've never been deathly ill, I've never had to deal with a destructive relationship. I've heard all of this and so much more from just the few friends that I have. What's my problem? Myself, that's it. I perversed and spoiled myself. I had a comfortable, well adjusted childhood. My parents loved me and I loved them, and I think they did the best they could raising me. Home was always a nice place to be. My dad was a supervisor at Kellogs so money was never an issue. Hell, both sides of my family loved me. To this day there isn't a single person in my family that doesn't like me despite the shit I've done (maybe I'm wrong, who knows). Really wasn't a damn thing wrong with my childhood except for one thing, that I can put my finger on anyways. I spent too much time to myself. Didn't have many friends. Didn't really play with anyone at school or in my neighborehood. Just spent a lot of time watching tv, reading, playing with legos, etc etc. That right there is what I think the biggest factor in how I turned out the way I am today. That's why I don't like talking about my problems. Because after everything is said and done I just feel like I'm whining. I know you're not supposed to compare shit like that, but I do anyways weather I want to or not. I can relate with Rollins when he says that he doesn't like to talk to people because he doesn't know how. Everytime I talk to someone new or have a long conversation with someone I end up feeling like a five year old who is learning how to ride a bike for the very first time. Falling off the bike, trying to figure out how to get the thing to stay up, trying to make a turn with out smacking his head on the driveway. It feels like that for me ever single time. I wonder how the people I know put up with it. I'm always saying things that are uncalled for or tripping over my own damn words, and try as I may I can't fucking help it. And to add insult to injury I've never been able to physically talk right. Ever since I was in grade school I've never been able to say my "s" or "th" sounds correctly. Spent 5 years in speech classes and they never helped much. When I really get going talking about something it just sort of turns into an overall slur. Maybe I'm lucky and people just think "that's just Matt." I guess I just care too much about what people think of me and I'm too critical of myself. Throw all that on the pile of why I don't have any social skills. Ok, so we're up to no social skills, no people skills, and no writing skills. What else can I pull out of the woodwork. Getting back to the whole deep secrets shit. What is it about me that people feel they can tell me anything. Seriously, why me? Is it just the simple fact that I can keep a secret or is it just something that happens to slip out when I'm around and you don't even notice it. Oh well, a lot of things are beyond my grasp. Probably for the best they are too. I guess that's like asking why are people friends with me. A+B does not =C because no one knows what B is. You know where you started and where you are but you'll never know how you got there. Me being a miserable person probably has more to do with my after childhood life then it does with my childhood (my childhood is probably just responsible for my lack of any social skills). For the past 6 years my life has been nothing but a never ending hole that I'm at the bottom digging. I just keep digging myself farther and farther down. I don't really think about that fact much anymore because that's been the norm for so long. Just a general feeling of "I'm miserable, but this is who I am." I'm probably contradicting myself all over the place but that's thoughts for you. Over the past 6 years there really hasn't been one defining moment of shittyness. It's just been one punch in the face after the next. Over and over and over again. I guess you could call the whole k-mart thing one big defining moment, but to me it just feels like another punch. I'm getting tired and it's already late. | | Wednesday, May 15th, 2002 | | 5:56 pm |
Fucking Around
Just trying out LiveLizard for Mozilla. LiveLizard let's me post in this bastard right from my browser (not livejournal.com's shitty ass web posting thing mind you). Later. | | Monday, May 13th, 2002 | | 3:09 am |
Retrospect
Upon looking at my latest entry and some of my pervious entries I realize how repeitive I am and how stupid it all sounds. I write like a damn 12 year old. See Spot run See Spot jump See Spot drop See Spot die at my hands Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: Tunnel Trance Force Vol. 16 CD2 | | 3:01 am |
Back again for another round.
Blah blah blah, another uneventful day in the life of me. Tis the life of a socially oblivious creature such as myself. If I got out more I'd probably meet more people. Too bad there really isn't anywhere I want to go where people are. My idea of fun is hoping on my bike with $50, a tent, and some food and getting lost for a day or 2. I guess, for lack of a better term, I have wanderlust. When I think back the only time I was ever truly happy is when I was traveling somewhere. Doesn't help that I constaintly think about problems in the world I have no hope of every having any affect on. I need to learn to let go. I need to learn to do a lot of things really. No street smarts, what can I say. Fucked in the head to boot too. Ignorance really is bliss. You work hard, you don't know all the shit in the world, and the government loves you. The latter being the most important. ::sigh:: I can never do anything right. I always fuck shit up one way or another. I'm amazed I still have friends. One of the few things I haven't managed to totally fuck up. Good intentions get you no where, and good guys do finish last, even if you don't fuck shit up like me. I guess I do serve some useful purpose to people. Breaking things down to the simplest view, people still talk to me, people still want me around. So I guess I'm not a total waste of space. Man I don't belong in this town. Who knows, maybe I don't belong anywhere and this is how life is going to be. Maybe I should just learn to leave better with the depression that's made me who I am for these past 6 years. Give or take a year, it all gets kind of blurry when I try to think about it. ::sigh:: All I can ever do is bitch on this thing. I really do hate the person I've become. Current Mood: WanderingCurrent Music: Tunnel Trance Force Vol. 16 CD2 | | Sunday, May 12th, 2002 | | 1:15 am |
ugh
Haven't posted in here in quite some time. Be that as it may I don't exactly have a whole lot to talk about. I have a cable modem now. Been abusing that quite nicely. I can finially listen to digitally imported whenever I want to. I've been keeping busy helping out down at AlphaMatrix computers. I really like this weather (minus the rain) because I hate hot weather so much but it depresses the hell out of me. I just can't win when it comes to weather. Kelly got a new monitor and he gave me his old one which is a 17" Gateway (damn all this Gateway shit I own). A lot easier to read shit and the higher refresh rate is so much easier on the eyes. Been working on Waffles revision 8 to kill the time. Too much damn material to sort. Don't really have much of anything to write about. All I can really do is bitch about shit and that's all been said before. Current Music: www.digitallyimported.com | | Wednesday, April 10th, 2002 | | 2:35 am |
Dark skies and grey clouds
Still doing the same old shit. Just trying to hold on to my sanity and going at it one day at a time. Sunshine's in the sky and all I ask for are clouds. One of these days I'll ask for sunshine. One of these days I'll figure out who I am. One of these days I won't be a slave to my demise. One of these days I'll finially be happy with what I am. My friend Matt has, to my own amazement, a girlfriend. Good luck Matt, I hope you find some sanity within the darkness. As for myself, I have my eye on someone but who knows if anything will come of it. Went to a LAN party yesterday. That was fun. Ate pizza, drank some Squirt, and played some bitchin' Starcraft. Dirty and discarded I'm your favorite jacket that you never want to wear Here I sit dirty and discarded Always in the corner of your room Always in the back of your mind Just like that favorite jacket you never want to wear I shouldn't just start writing the flow of my brain like that. I need sleep. Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: Toonami's Deep Space Bass | | Tuesday, March 26th, 2002 | | 1:03 am |
Not dead yet
Just been very busy for once. With working at the comp shop, school, and community service I haven't had a whole hell of a lot of free time. Working to make myself a better person I guess. Current Mood: sleepy | | Thursday, February 28th, 2002 | | 6:51 am |
Geek shit
Got some time to kill before I head off to school so I figured might as well post some shit in this. Been playing around with BeOS 5.1d0 a lot and I'm really happy with it. BONE (Beos Open Network Enviroment) fucking kicks ass. Stuff downloads faster now. That and Bezilla is much more stable (still needs work though). Milestone 0.9.9 of Bezilla (Mozilla) should be out in the next few days so things will only get better (and closer to a modern web browser for BeOS). Milestone 1.0.0 is projected to be out this summer and that'll just be the fucking shit. I'm pissed though that NewsReader keeps crashing when I try to download multi-part attachments from my newsgroup server. It wouldn't piss me off so much if I wasn't spending an extra $5 a month for access to Toast.Net's premium newsgroup server. Looks like I'll just have to throw down $30 for Pineapple News since it's the only other newsreader for BeOS that does attachments. Finially gave up on using BeAIM. The final straw was it wouldn't save my buddy list. So now I need to throw down $10 to register Jabber for BeOS (damn the shareware nag screens are annoying). I've been slacking off on Waffles 8. So much damn sorting to do. I need a damn team to help me out on this shit. Maybe I can sick Ben on making a front end for Waffles. I need some something for it. I'll probably end up giving it a HTML interface with drop down menus or something simmilar. My estimate of 11 cds is probably going to be off. More like 12+ especially since the asian portion is going to be 2 cds (maybe 3 with the stuff still floating around over at Kelly's, but I haven't had a chance to do a run through of that material). It'd be nice if I could sell Waffles on a large scale. Oh well. The gaming LAN at AlphaMatrix is coming along nicely. The only problem is getting a 4th comp up, running, and tweaked to play Counter Strike. Monkey wasn't up to the task and it looks like my comp Odin isn't either but we'll see. If not I'll bring in Dishonerable Beef to use. Current Mood:  geekyCurrent Music: Deftones - Passenger | | Wednesday, February 27th, 2002 | | 2:28 am |
I wish I never knew who I am.
Seems BeOS 5.1d0 (Dano) and AliveJournal get along so I can actually post in this. Kind of pointless though. Few things happen in my life worth writing down and this doesn't help to exercise any of the demons from my head. Diary of a self-destructive entity I guess. On the lighter side of things I might be getting a job down at AlphaMatrix (the computer store here in town). I'll probably know when I stop down there after school today. That'd be a great change. Added some new music to my collection with the money I got from my b-day last week. I now have The Chemical Brothers new album, Snake River Conspiracy, and some Ministry. Nice little mix of things. Went out to a couple dinners with friends too. It was a nice diversion. And to top off the gifts I bought with my cash: Shenmu 2 and a new VMU. I've been spending a lot of time down at AlphaMatrix getting the gaming LAN all up and happy. We're going to have Half-Life and all it's mods as the first game and then add more games as we can. Starcraft is probably going to be the next game we add. We're going to have 4 comps to start with, and at this point we just need to get the 4th comp up and running and then see how to best bullet-proof the setup. All the tedious stuff like rules and how to protect the equipment. Been having some friends come down and play to see how it all works out. The network lights up like a christmas tree, it's funny as hell. Other than that it's been the usual bull shit. I've decided not to goto Westwood Institute in Chicago this Aug. Actually, my grandparents decided for me. It's either I stay here and they will pay for 2 years of KCC and a car or I goto Chicago and get no help at all. I can't wait until the weather warms up. I need to get out and wander about. I've been wanting to go camping after I've found a couple of great spots over the fall and winter. That and I just need to get out and travel. Just have to try and keep my shit together until then and not lose it. This town is driving me closer and closer to madness and there's little I can do about it. Oh well, I'm not dead yet. Current Mood:  gloomyCurrent Music: The Chemical Brothers - My Elastic Eye | | Wednesday, February 6th, 2002 | | 1:22 am |
I wanna grow up to kill people just like me.
Seeing as how I'm on my windows box I figure I might as well get some ranting out of my worthless carcass. I've done 3 postings in BeOS but none of them made it up because nothing I have on BeOS would post. Figures. They were good post too. Now that I can actually post something all I feel is worthless and empty. Void of anything worth mentioning from the dark abyss of my psyche. Just another day in the life of me. I need to sit down and make a list of things that stop me from killing myself. Something to give me a foot hold on reality. Basically things I enjoy and people that still need me. Maybe then I'll stop thinking of intracate ways to off myself so much. It tends to get a tad disconcerting when I think about that as much as sex. Which leaves about 1 out of every 3 thoughts for something possibly constructive. I'd love to travel to the point in time when I died inside. Maybe there was a point when I was a truely happy person or maybe I just needed to grow up a little to realize I was never alive to begin with. Either way I'd like to know because I can't remember if I was ever happy. ::sigh:: I can't even trick myself into it anymore. Ignorance is my Shangra La. Spelling is my great chasim. That's certainly nothing new. I guess if I had to pick one thing that's really kept me here it'd be music. Good music actually, something to occupy my mind during those idle times. Yes friends are a close 2nd but I would have snaped without music before I would have without friends (not like the difference when I would have snapped is anything great). Tool has been my crutch of choice lately. 90% of the music I've been listening to lately has been Tool. Which translate to about 3 hours of Tool a day. Good thing I have all 4 of their cds. Throw a live trance set in every now and then and you have my listening habbits for about the past month. I wish it wasn't so cold. I need to get out and travel. Just hop on my bike with some cash and a tent and dissapear for a week. I'd give about anything to be able to do that. Or just to tent it out at the dock. As soon as it gets warm enough I'll probably be doing that a lot on weekends. At least it's someplace where I can at least feel like I'm away. That's all that really matters. There's nothing I hate more than myself. Current Mood: RottingCurrent Music: Tool - Eulogy | | Saturday, January 5th, 2002 | | 8:38 pm |
One of those tired days but at least I have some good music. My dad came through with the Tool CDs I asked for for Christmas. So I now have a copy of Opiate and Undertow. Tool kicks ass. Been away from home for the past few days. I stayed over at my grandma and grandpa Robinson's and then last night I stayed at the Murphy's. Watching the drunken follies is always fun. Just had to watch out for the tp wads getting thrown about. Lots more shit floating around upstairs concerning school. None of it worth mentioning in here. Suffice it to say I need to rethink my plans. This is why I don't try to plan much out. What plans I do make get messed up. Matt, you're a pain in the fucking ass to get ahold of. Oh well, I am too so I don't have a whole lot to bitch about....Fuck Stain. Not looking forward to Monday. School blows ass. I don't know. I felt like writing but I can't really think of anything to write about. As Ben would say, "I'm off to fuck the coat sleeve of my favorite jacket." Current Mood: boredCurrent Music: Tool - Prison Sex | | Friday, December 28th, 2001 | | 3:52 am |
A mind is a terrible thing.
I'm the type of person that needs to be restrained from them self. When I have free time like this my mind always wanders far away. Usually it wanders toward reflection. The last place in hell I belong because I have nothing good to reflect upon. At this point in life I am nothing but a failure to myself and my principles. Two steps away from hypocrisy is how I see it. You can't touch me anymore. You can't hurt me anymore. I can only hurt myself now because I'm not really there. There's no more yellow brick road. Just an overgrown path of brush and grass whispering to deaf ears. Follow the path and you'll find the hollow shell of my existence staring at the end of the world. Failure is his mantra, emptiness is his will, and pain binds his world to one. I'm too tired to materialize myself anymore tonight. Nights like these let me understand why people cut themselves. Sometimes you need to be reminded that you're still alive. Current Mood: EmptyCurrent Music: Tool - Stinkfist | | Friday, December 7th, 2001 | | 12:45 am |
Back to the fire
Seems I needed a break from my journal and I didn't even know it. Oh well. Fair amount of shit going on. This christmas break I'm going to be traveling up to Luddington to visit family and to help my aunt break in her new computer (hopefully I'll also be building her new computer too). Been spending a fair amount of time at the new computer store lately. Basically because a) I'm learning a lot more about computers and b) there isn't shit to do is the ass stain of a town. But at least Ren and Stimpy is back on TV, and on, of all places, VH1. I'm watching the episode where Ren loses all his teeth. Its so good. Well, the video game tournament never happened. The projector ended up dying on us. Hopefully it'll get fixed at some point and we'll be able to host one. Lots of plans happening down there. Hopefully they'll come to light. Also, I just got my acceptance papers for Westwood Institute. I start Aug. 6. Finially be able to get the hell out of here. I've been listening to a lot of Jack Off Jill lately ( http://www.mp3.com/jackoffjill go get some fuck wads). I plan on buying there newest album soon. I have their last 2 (granted, one of them is a remix album too) and this one is so much better than those. I've also been reading The Crow: A Murder of Crows. I decided to take a break from Rollins (basically because I've read 4 out of 5 of them, the 5th still out on loan). Its a really good book so far. Its a collection of 3 stories based on the original story by James O'Barr. I suggest reading the graphic novel if you can get your hands on it, it's so good. I need to start a web page of some sort up. I miss doing that. Even though they were all shitty pages, they were my pages. I've had my crosswinds account for ages now. All these little piss paragraphs, can't carry a train of thought very far right now I guess. Ramble, move on, ramble some more, ripe pillage and plunder, move on, etc etc. I'll be quite amazed if anyone besides Matt can tell me what my new name is. And if Matt can't tell me, then I'm going to fuck him stupid with a bitch slap across his pasty face (you know, just being a friend). Brad.....you know what, I'm not even going to touch that fucking topic right now. I'll end up hurting someone (probably myself since I'm the only in here right now). Made a half ass attempt to clean my shit hole of a cancer node. Needless to say I didn't get very far. I'll probably get cancer because of my room. Me and everyone else that's every visited here without a lead suit on. I wish I had real money to invest in the stocks I've been picking this year for my classes at school. I've been making a killing and none of them have gone below what I bought them at. At one point or another I invested in Tricon (Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC's parent company), Pioneer of Japan, DELL, Viacom, Deutche Telekom, Western Digital, and AMD. All in all with the $30,000 I've had for the various classes and sections I've made 5 grand. That's a 16% return in 2 months. You can all suck my fucking cock now. Ok, I feel better now. Now I'm listening to Sam Kinison. So good. Its a shame he was killed. He was really starting to clean his life up before then too. Probably would have fucked his routines up though. It fucked up STP when Scott Wileland (I know I fucked his name up, sue me) stopped using heroine. You need the pain. Back using BeOS again. Linux pissed me off because you have to jump through fucking loops to get anything installed and working. That and it can't play DivX worth a fucking shit. Still waiting on Bezilla. When that hits 1.0 (and works) things will be nice, but that still a ways off so I'm stuck with Netpositive and Opera 3.62 ::sigh:: Now Sam Kinison is talking about hanging Pee Wee. Enough for today. I'm off to fight the good fight against myself so I don't fall apart. JAPAN FOUR! Current Mood:  calmCurrent Music: Sam Kinison - Live From Hell |
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